I had another short trip to Washington DC last week and had a chance to visit my friends Noelle, Paul, Aidan and Keira in Charlottesville over the weekend. It was a fun pre-Halloween fall weekend with the kids. We cheered Keira on in her baseball game—she did a great job and got the game ball! She’s the only girl on her team but that didn’t seem to phase either her or the little boys on the team which is refreshing to see. Aidan and I got a chance to hang together on Sunday while Keira went to a birthday party and instead of hanging out with a gaggle of six year old roller skating girls, we had a fun time having frozen yogurt and watching a local hockey team play at the local ice rink. It was one of those beautiful fall weekends, where the weather is crisp, pumpkins are out on porches and the kids are already amped up for Halloween, waiting for the big day and anticipating their candy loot. We went out to a farm outside of town for apple picking and a hayride and then came home and made an apple pie and caramel apples. The kids showed me their Halloween costumes — a doctor and a (mad) scientist, like their Mom and Dad!—and we watched The Great Pumpkin (my favorite Peanuts show!). Aidan and Keira and both unbelievably sweet and I’m so glad that despite the long distance between us, I’ve been able to have a relationship with them and watch them grow up. Keira is just such a cutie. She fell in love with Bodhi when they visited here in April and so I had sent her a stuffed Bodhi after their trip. When I arrived last Friday, she had left stuffed Bodhi on my pillow and let me know that she wanted him to sleep with me because she thought I’d be missing my Bodhi. Stuffed Bodhi was out constant companion all weekend. So sweet. Aidan is my godson and of all the kids in my life, he has a special place in my heart. It still amazes me to think that not so long ago, he was just a little peanut of a baby, especially seeing how much he’s grown. He’s in middle school now and while he’s a big kid physically for 10 years old but still so sweet and innocent. He’s shocked when he hears other kids cuss (and in fact, uses the word “cuss”) and misbehave. He doesn’t yet have a smartphone and is not even so into video games and the most important thing on his mind is sports. And I’m grateful that he still thinks I’m pretty cool, despite the fact that I’m totally clueless about sports! He’s still talking about the Warriors game I took him to when they visited in April, despite the fact that they lost the game and we were in the nose-bleed way, way upper deck seats. Those tickets (as expensive as they were at the time) feel totally worth it. Aidan got kind of obsessed with my FitBit over the weekend and insisted on wearing it most of the weekend while running around. It turned out to be my most active weekend in a while (ha ha!). He tried to convince me that he was “helping me” get to my step goals and I should leave the FitBit behind with him. Oh how I wish that somehow delegating exercise could be an option!
I’m from New England and one of the things I miss about living there is autumn. In some ways, fall can’t help but be a downer. Summer is over, the days are getting darker and colder and winter looms. But, in New England, the consolation prize is the exploding kaleidoscope of colors that nature treats us to before winding down for winter. It’s a bit harder to appreciate the change of seasons here in the Bay Area—the changes are more subtle. We don’t have the colorful falls, hot sultry days of summer, burst of daffodils and tulips welcoming spring, or snow. Instead, we have the hills changing color from bright green in the spring (when we have a rainy winter!) to golden yellow as the summer comes and fog creeps in over the summer, to make August one of the colder months, a notable difference to hot humid east coast August. Winter is not much of a winter here. The days and nights get colder in winter and natives here will complain bitterly about how cold it is, but I usually can still get away with wearing sandals and a fleece most of the winter. I don’t really miss New England snow (you can always drive to Tahoe!) or the sizzling humid summers. But, ah, fall colors—I do miss those. They remind me of home and family. Still, I’ve gotten used to fall in the Bay Area and last weekend I had a lovely fall weekend. Saturday night I joined friends for a sunset cruise on San Francisco Bay. It was a perfect night—not too cold, perfectly clear—uncharacteristically so for foggy San Francisco Bay. A friend of mine organizes this outing every year. And its more than just a cruise. Think picnic/potluck on the Bay, with table cloths, delicious food, wine combined with amazing 360 degree views from the Bay—San Francisco in the distance, the East Bay, Sausalito, Alcatraz and Angel Islands and of course, the Golden Gate Bridge. We cruised from Tiburon harbor just before sunset and with the water being so calm, the captain added the special treat of taking us out under the Golden Gate Bridge. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love the Golden Gate Bridge. It takes my breath away whenever I see. I will even redirect my travel just to go over the bridge. It’s become symbolic to me not only of the city I love but of my life here, which I don’t take for granted. Every time I see it I am filled with awe and gratitude. Gratitude for being able to live in such a wonderful place. Well, seeing it from the vantage of below, with the moon above, the lights twinkling was just incredibly special. What a great night. On Sunday, I met up with Victoria and Luis and their kids Eleanor and Sebastian for an apple picking outing. We started with breakfast in Capitola, near Santa Cruz on the beach and then found a great apple orchard in Watsonville. We had a great time. Eleanor is now almost four and is turning into such a great kid–so engaged and fun and such a wonderful big sister to her little brother. And Sebastian is just such a sweetheart and the apple of my eye (forgive the bad apple pun!)—he just makes my heart melt every time I see him. He’s not quite talking yet but you can just tell that when he starts talking, that kid is going to have a lot to tell you! I’d say that the kids weren’t so enthralled with the apple picking part, but the tractor ride, apple popsicles and chasing the farm chicken through the orchard were big hits! It was a lot of fun and now I’m off to make some applesauce today from my load of apples.
I just got back from a two week work trip to Washington DC and New York, for a series of meetings and conferences. Although I was looking forward to some of the conferences and seeing colleagues and friends, this felt like a long trip and part of me was dreading it too. As much as I love travelling, lately I’ve been in nesting mode and find myself just wanting to hang out at home rather than hauling around luggage between hotels and cities. All that said, it wound up being a fun trip. Best of all, I had a bit of free time in between work events and so managed to squeeze in a few visits with old friends from grad school. While in DC, I visited with my friend Noelle and her kids Aidan and Keira again. It was a short trip, but we managed to play a rousing game of Monopoly. (As an aside, can you believe there’s a version of Monopoly now where Park Place, Marvin Gardens and the other properties have been replaced by online “properties” like Yahoo and Disney! And the silver show show and top hat that you move around the board is now an Angry Bird. Boy did I feel old fashioned!). Keira was very proud of her stuffed Bodhi, which I had given her after her visit in April, where she fell in love with my Bodhi (the real one!). After DC, I was in New York City for the weekend. I visited with my friend Jen her daughter, another Kira! Jen, Noelle and I were best buds in grad school. I was so struck by how much their Keira/Kira’s look and act like them — little Jen and Noelle “mini-me’s!” Check out the old photo below of the three of us on vacation in Spain while in grad school (circa 1998?) and the pictures of each of their girls. Guess which kid and Mom go together?
I also got to see my friends Zemer and Coleen and their “mini-me’s” Benjamin and Lena. We spent a nice Sunday exploring the Chelsea and lower east side. We had a nice walk on The High Line, visited the new Whitney Museum of American Art and got to experience the all-plant “I can’t believe it’s not meat” Impossible Burger at Momofuku. Not to mention ice cream and cupcakes to round out the day. It was a really fun Sunday.
There was something so lovely about seeing these friends who I first got to know when we were in our 20s, as parents with kids, families and accomplished careers. I love seeing them with their little “mini-me’s” and getting to know their kids, though truthfully, these moments are also bittersweet. There’s a part of me , when seeing friends and their kids all together, that does get a bit sad and wistful for a child of my own. I have friends who have told me that they worried that it must be hard to spend time with them and their kids, that it might make me sad. And some who have worried about inviting me to events with lots of kids and parents, like birthday parties, wondering whether I might feel uncomfortable. I feel lucky to have friends who are so thoughtful and considerate about my feelings but what I tell them all is that I really don’t want people worrying about me and certainly, don’t want friends to think they should avoid exposing me to their kids. Being with kids of course reminds of what I’m missing and longing for. I’d be lying if I said that sometimes it doesn’t hurt. But that’s not the overwhelming feeling. I don’t want to spend my life or this time waiting in a child-free bubble. More often when I’m having fun with your kids and seeing you being great parents, I’m reminded, in a positive way, of why all of this effort, angst and waiting is going to be worth it. Being with your kids is actually motivating and confirming of what I know in my heart to be true, that I want a child as the center of my world too. It reminds me of how much I love kids and what a great Mom I am going to strive to be. I’ve found that one of the hardest things about this adoption waiting limbo is keeping it feeling real and tangible. After you get past the point of all the research, forms, interviews, putting together websites and letters and the like, it feels like there’s just time and waiting. You spend time updating websites and checking your phone and email accounts hoping for a call, but as the days and weeks and months go by, its become harder and harder to feel that this is all real and that something is happening while I’m here in waiting. For me, spending time with kids, my friends and their families has honestly been a lifeline in this waiting limbo. Being around your kids has kept me sane and feeling connected and has given me hope and inspiration.
I should say that I know from conversations with other waiting adoptive parents that not everyone feels this way about being around kids. Some parents-in-waiting do find it painful to be around kids and do avoid situations with kids or families. While that’s not been true for me, I certainly respect those feelings and can see where they come from. What I would say as advice to folks who have friends who are waiting to adopt (or for that matter, friends who are trying to conceive and grow their family in other ways) is that the best approach is just to ask your friend what they prefer. You can ask them how they are doing. Ask them whether being with your kids makes them uncomfortable. Ask them how you can help and support them. Don’t be afraid to bring up the issue. Trust me, your asking and bringing up the issue won’t be anymore of a reminder or trigger than not asking, and more likely, they will appreciate your thinking of them.